The Princess and the Goblin - by Chris Morin

A long time ago once upon a time in a place called West Fifth lived a princess named Honey Head.
Princess Honey Head was the ruler of this land and had a trusty pet sidekick dog named Ernie the Wonder Weiner.
Princess Honey Head was loved throughout the land and respected by all.
That is of course except by the dasterdly Gorge Goblin.
You see, the Gorge Goblin was a five hundred pound blob who devoured little children and stank profusely.
Princess Honey Head knew of the Gouge Goblin and secretly respected him for his fondness of little people so she never did anything about the gargantuan's appetite.
But, as time went on,  she just could not handle his horrible stench and immense size.
One day, after seeing the bloated being stuffing his face with sweet sausage, the Princess, which she was known to do from time to time, went into a fit of rage.
"I cannot stand fat, out of shape and disgustingly smelly vermin!" cried the Princess.
"We will banish the fat fuck!" she declared.
So, the over-puffy pest was banished to a land called the Trail.
Much to the dismay of Princess Honey Head, life in West Fifth changed a bit since the loss of the Gorge Goblin.
After witnessing the removal of one of it's valuable citizens, who for the most part helped keep the Population Control Department in business, the people feared that they may be banished as well so each citizen started eating less.
This created more trim and sexy looking people which resulted in people having more sexual relations.
The frequent fornication in West Fifth resulted in more babies being born.
Dismayed beyond repair at the sudden boom of little annoying creatures, the Princess was without answers and riddled with sorrow.
Hoping that a change in scenery would give her time to think, she decided to take her trusty sidekick Ernie the Wonder Weiner on a long walk.
The dog, excited to finally get beyond the palace walls, was overjoyed but totally unaware of his owner's impending peril.
Princess Honey Head and her weiner crossed over a wooden bridge covering a small stream and walked through a woodland area into some dense woods.
The dense woods were ominous especially when a corpulant creature quietly appeared in front of the fair lady and her dog.
The weiner dog showed his teeth, violently growled and barked at the creature.
The slithering sloth slumbered slowly toward the pair of hapless victims.
Without notice, the creature pulled out a sausage and threw it at the weiner dog.
The dog stopped barking.
The Princess became uneasy as she recognized the giant mass.
"Why mister Goblin, you look well. You've lost some weight." said the Princess.
"Yes, I am a bit starved. I think I will have you and your weiner for dinner." said the Gorge Goblin as he licked his lips.
The Princess knew she was in trouble so to avoid death, she tried to bargain with the Goblin.
"Let me see if we can make a deal, Goblin." began the Princess.
"My land is becoming over-crowded with children and you are sorely needed in town. However, you look and smell horrible. I cannot stand looking at you. Maybe if we put you on a weight program and gave you a bath and new clothes, we could both get what we want. The people will eat more and have less sex and you can eat some of those nasty children that bother me all day and night."
The Goblin pondered the propostion.
He really hated the princess for banishing him.
He decided he would accept the Princess' offer but devour her just short of West Fifth.
He would then eat all of the children and take over her kingdom.
"I think that is an acceptable solution." said the Goblin.
The Princess and the Goblin along with the now friendly weiner dog began to cross the wooden bridge covering the small stream just outside West Fifth's walls and in clear view of nearly half of the people in the land.
The Gorge Goblin opened his mammoth mouth and was about to swallow Princess Honey Head whole when a handome young man appeared from the other end of the bridge.
"Stop there you fat porker!" cried the hero.
The Goblin stopped in his tracks but not before the Princess could notice that she was about to become a midday snack.
"I am here to save you Princess!" exclaimed the man.
"Who are you oh sweet thing?" asked Honey Head.
"I am Prince Poor Mouth your Highness. I am from the poor land of Aiken." answered the Prince.
This turn of events instantly changed the Princess's options.
She was lonely and the young man was very much to her liking but the Prince's lack of income did not please Miss Head.
"Poor huh?" paused the Princess. "Well, do you like children my Prince?" questioned Honey Head.
"No ma'am. Can't stand the fuckers!" replied Prince Poor Mouth.
Well, he had the looks and the attitude thought the princess but not the wealth.
"Two out of three will do today my Prince. If you can rid us of this monster once and for all, I will be your prize Mister Mouth."
And in an instant Prince Poor Mouth unsheathed his sword and hacked at the wooden bridge sending the Goblin into the stream below.
The immense weight of the creature combined with the force of the fall trapped the Goblin waist-high in the mud unable to escape.
"Help me Princess, help me!" cried the Goblin.
"I don not think so Goblin." replied the Princess.
"I think that is where you will stay."
This enraged the Goblin.
"What about your kingdom? What about all those kids who need to be eaten? What about me?" wimpered the creature.
"Who cares about you." snarled Honey Head.
"But why?" asked the Goblin.
Princess Honey Head smiled.
"Because I can't stand children OR fat people."
Princess Honey Head, Prince Poor Mouth and Ernie the Wonder Weiner leave the Gourge Goblin to die.
They return to West Fifth and live happily ever after.

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